Gime' a Joke

Richard

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Dec 9, 2007
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Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.



Financial Planing!

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.


"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."


Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.


Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
 

Richard

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Dec 9, 2007
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He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked him one

Like his mother used to do.
 

xero

Active Member
Oct 4, 2006
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northern beaches, sydney
may or may not be true but its good anyway...
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school
diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those who fly routinely in their jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
 

Pat

Active Member
Nov 29, 2006
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e-town tasmania
joe goes to the doc.

"doc, i got a bit of a private problem...."

"its ok Joe, im a gp, i know your history, just spit it out!"

"Well Doc, its not me. You see, its the Mrs.........

She has a sexual perversion!"

"What??? what kind of perversion???"

"Well, she keeps wanting me to root her in the ear....."

"The ear?"

"yep. Everytime i go to stick my dick in her mouth, she turns her head to the side...."
 

xero

Active Member
Oct 4, 2006
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northern beaches, sydney
A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"


She says,
"I'd take half, then leave you."


"Excellent," he replies,
"I won 12 bucks, here's $6 - now Fuck off!"
 

xero

Active Member
Oct 4, 2006
5,312
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36
northern beaches, sydney
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in Laramie,Wyoming, while waiting for their respective flights...

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the University of Wyoming from the Middle East...

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here... my people were many...but sadly, now we are few.'

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'

The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl......."I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin"!
__________________
 

AJ

Member
Mar 28, 2006
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2213
xero said:
A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"


She says,
"I'd take half, then leave you."


"Excellent," he replies,
"I won 12 bucks, here's $6 - now Fuck off!"
:lol: :lol: :lol:
 

Richard

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Dec 9, 2007
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The following questions were set in last year's GED examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
 

Richard

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Dec 9, 2007
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New Wine for Seniors



I kid you not....
New Wine for Seniors


California vintners in the Napa Valley area,

which primarily produce Pinot Blanc,

Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines,

have developed a new hybrid grape

that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips

older people have to make to the

bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as



PINO MORE
 

ach_66

Member
Nov 25, 2009
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Newcastle-ish
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
 

Richard

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Dec 9, 2007
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122
Central Coast
Irish Christening



Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a
deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up
and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the
doctor about her baby.



The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The
babies are fine; However, they were poorly at birth and had to be
christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.



The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother
he's a fecking clueless eejet...



Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?'



' Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow,
that's a really beautiful name, 'I guess I was wrong about me brother',
she thought....'I really like Denise



Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'



The doctor replies





' Denephew '